Most teens will tell you they love permissive parenting, at least at first. It’s fun to have more freedom than your friends, and they make comments about how cool it is that your parents don’t get on you as much, don’t have as many rules, etc. Unfortunately, the good times are short lived. Consequences eventually hit like a slap to the face because they don't disappear - they stack up quietly until everything crashes at once.

Grades plummet, classes are failed, the risk of substance abuse rises, and necessary life skills aren’t learned. All that freedom becomes a major handicap – and the world doesn’t wait. Most parents who struggle with permissiveness are doing their best to help their teen and mean no harm. Let’s look at some common patterns that can lead to this dynamic.

What Is Permissive Parenting and Why it Happens

Permissive parenting stems from a lack of energy. Creating and supporting healthy boundaries for your teen takes consistent effort sustained across time. Your consistency is what creates the stability for your teen to thrive. It takes a combination of patience, resilience, and emotional regulation - all of which require energy.

Parents can struggle balancing self care and parental responsibility. Single parents or those going through separation/divorce are hit hardest here. Healing from your own trauma while trying to support your kids can easily become overwhelming. Other energy imbalances like career stress, health struggles, and relationship issues can all contribute to permissiveness. 

Another common cause of  permissive parenting is “authoritarian rebound.” Many parents who grew up in extremely strict and controlling homes had such a bad experience with rules and boundaries, that they feel completely averse to structure. In an attempt to not hurt their teen, they overcompensate and end up in the opposite camp. Both leave teens without the structure they need - just from opposite directions.

The final common predictor I’ve noticed is that some parents feel they need to be liked by their teen. This creates friction when the parent tries to enforce any boundaries. The teen gets angry or upset, and the parent quickly recoils from their position of authority - careful not to disturb the dynamic. This pattern often stems from an emotional intimacy void in the parent's life. The parent is getting their emotional needs met through the teen's approval rather than healthy adult relationships, so boundaries threaten that supply. 

So what does this actually look like day-to-day? Here's how permissive parenting plays out in real families:

Examples of Permissive Parenting in Action

Example 1: You’re a single parent, and you’ve just had a long day at work and are exhausted. Life’s been tough, and you feel inside that you’re only able to tread water with your teen. You try to show up for them, but feel consistently overwhelmed. 

You see your teen on the computer gaming and greet them:

“Hey, how was school today? Any homework tonight?”

You know that their grades have slipped over the last year since the separation, and you’ve gotten notices over the last few months from school (tardiness, skipped classes, etc.).

Barely looking up from the game they respond absently, 

“Hey, yeah I had a little but I got it done.”

Something feels off, but you don’t have the energy to question further or ask for proof. Eventually more time passes and you receive their report card in the mail and are shocked to see they have two D’s and are failing another class. You express frustration, maybe even set some consequences in the heat of the moment - but within days, life gets overwhelming again and nothing actually changes. The cycle continues.

Example 2: You’ve been struggling in your marriage for years, and as your teen has grown older, they’ve noticed the rift between you grow. They started by just testing the waters:

“But Dad said I could… But mom always lets me…” capitalizing off of the emotional disconnect.

Slowly the teen realizes “Hey, I can just side with one parent who is the most allowing and permissive of my behaviors.”

This oftentimes leads to even more erosion of the parent’s relationship – more fights, less agreeableness from both sides.

One parent often tries to compensate by becoming overly involved in the teen's life - acting more like a friend than a parent. They avoid any conflict that might damage the 'closeness.' But without boundaries to balance that warmth, the teen learns they can manipulate the dynamic. They become sweet and confiding when they want something, cold and cruel when they don't get their way.

The teen gets everything they want in the moment - but loses respect for both parents and learns that manipulation works. They become entitled, two-faced, and unable to function when someone finally holds a boundary. I've seen this pattern destroy families. The teen becomes someone neither parent recognizes, and the marriage often doesn't survive it either.

Why Permissive Parenting Feels Like Freedom (Until It Doesn't)

For both parent and teen, permissive parenting is the path of least resistance - at least initially.

For the Parent: The alternative is scary to face. Enforcing boundaries means conflict, arguments, their teen pulling away or saying they hate them.

For the Teen: Freedom feels good in the moment. Teens crave autonomy, and unlimited freedom feels amazing - until consequences stack.

For both, confronting the dynamic feels like wading through molasses. It's going to be hard. It's going to take work. So they keep putting it off - until a crisis forces the conversation. 

So what actually happens when permissive parenting continues unchecked? The consequences compound in ways that affect every area of a teen's development:

1. Academically:

   • They struggle to meet their potential. Chronic underachievement becomes the norm - not because they can't do the work, but because they never learned discipline or accountability. Poor work habits follow them into college and career, where suddenly the world expects self-regulation they never developed.

2. Behaviorally:

   • The risks escalate. Without boundaries around substance use, experimentation becomes habitual use. Without structure around screen time and sleep, their health suffers. They struggle with authority figures - teachers, coaches, eventually employers - because they've learned that rules are negotiable and consequences are empty threats.

3. Emotionally:

   • Counterintuitively, the freedom makes them feel unsafe. This is because teens interpret the absence of boundaries as evidence their parents don't care enough to set limits. They push harder and harder, testing, looking for someone to finally hold the line. That search can lead to crisis: legal trouble, hospitalization, major academic failure. Something big enough to force intervention.

4. Long-term:

   • They enter adulthood without essential life skills: Time management, delayed gratification, emotional regulation, financial responsibility - all the skills built through experiencing and respecting healthy boundaries. The real world doesn't wait for them to catch up. 

In addition to this handicap, there's a deeper loss: closeness. The now-adult teen doesn't feel like they can really open up to their parents. They can't put their finger on why - just that their parent feels more like a casual friend than someone they truly trust. The relationship they were trying to preserve by avoiding conflict? It never actually formed.

What Actually Works: Empathy, Collaborative Boundaries and Consistency

The truth is that shifting from permissiveness to healthy boundaries will be harder at first, especially if your teen has had a long time to acclimate to endless freedom. Coming across as strongly authoritarian—'My way or the highway'—is not only damaging from a teen development standpoint, but can also easily backfire, leading to excessive conflict and setbacks.

What really works is deep empathy and collaboration. It all starts by sitting down with your teen, acknowledging the issue, admitting your part in it, and committing to change things for the better. 

Example: “I know I’ve let things go unattended, and while I hoped this would work out or resolve on its own, I think we’ve both seen the negative consequences stack up. I’m sorry I haven’t been showing up for you the way I need to – I’m going to change that today. Let’s come together and build up some daily structure. We’ll start with some things we both think are manageable, and build from there. What do you think would help most right now?”

You may be pleasantly surprised at their response, and even if they push back initially you've laid the groundwork for rebuilding trust. The most ironic aspect of this is that while teens struggle with the dynamic shift initially, long term they’ll feel more connected and have a deeper sense of respect for their parents if boundaries are set and enforced the healthy way.

Additional Support and Guidance 

If you're interested in learning more about restoring connection and how to set collaborative boundaries, as well as more scripts and frameworks like the one above, I created a free mini E-book, The 3 Pillars to Rebuild Trust and Communication with Your Teen, which goes over this structure and how to implement it. You can access it here.

Thank you for your dedication to your teen and your family. Until next time.