Your teen is getting older, going to more parties, spending time with friends you don't know very well. You know substances are part of their world now - parties, peer pressure, availability. You want to talk about it, but you're worried you’ll say the wrong thing. Too preachy and they'll shut down. Too casual and they might think it’s not a big deal. So you’ve stayed silent - and hoped they'd just 'make good choices.’ 

I’ve worked with many teens dealing with substance addiction as a teen mentor and parent coach. Here's what I've learned: the conversation is essential, but how you have it matters more than what you say. If you approach this right you’ll increase the chances your teen is prepared for the pressure, and feels comfortable opening up to you in the future.

Having the Conversation (Without the Lecture)

When I was a teen, my school ran those anti-drug campaigns that claimed if you so much as touched an illegal substance, all your teeth would fall out and you’d succumb to an agonizing fate. A few years later, some of my peers were experimenting with whatever they could find.

Teens would try something, realize that at least initially they were still alive and that their teeth seemed tethered to their gums, and immediately knew the adults had lied to them. Trust broken, message ignored. Clearly the exaggerated fear tactics didn’t work, and more likely encouraged drug use even more. 

➡ So here's the real approach: calm, honest, and grounded in reality - not fear.

Because this conversation is intended to be casual, open and preventative, it’s important to have it in a calm, low stakes environment. Maybe bring it up to them at home when you both have time to actually talk

Adopt a curious and unaccusatory tone and demeanor. Teens are put more at ease when their parent’s nervous systems are well regulated and calm. This can also increase the likelihood that they’ll feel comfortable opening up to you. Once you find the space to sit down with them, you can open up the conversation with something like:

“Hey, I just wanted to have a chat with you. I know you're at the age where peer pressure around substances is real - I dealt with it too at your age. I remember when [share a specific story from your own teen years - maybe a party where you felt pressured, or a friend who made a bad choice]” 

☞ Coach’s Insight: Spend some time painting the picture that this isn’t a ‘them problem’. It’s a universal developmental problem we all face as social beings. You sharing some of your world, insights, even failed attempts or giving in to peer pressure and regretting it, can build the bridge to real communication. I’ve had strong success with teens by just sharing struggles I faced myself at their age.

“But enough about me. I want to check in with you and make sure you feel supported. Have you been in situations where you felt pressured, or where you were curious about trying something? I’d like this to be a safe place for you to share without judgement.”

☞ Coach’s Insight: If at this point they open up and start sharing, that’s a great sign. If they simply say “no” or don’t share much, that’s ok too. This isn’t about pressuring or accusing, it’s about building the foundation so they know you're safe to come to. Then when they face peer pressure in the future, they know you get it and won't freak out. 

Keeping the Conversation Going

However the initial talk goes, know that you’ve got plenty of opportunities ahead to keep the dialogue going. This was never intended to be a ‘great, we had the talk, that’s over now’ kind of situation. Every so often, check in casually during car rides, dinner, or other low-pressure moments. 

You can also reference current events or news about drugs:  “Hey I saw a story about fentanyl being laced into drugs and teens are getting addicted. Have you heard any stories at school?”

Make it clear that honesty is valued above everything. That if they ever want to share things going on within friend groups, even if they're struggling with using themselves, you won't punish or blame them. I’ve seen this backfire, where teens got into sticky or dangerous circumstances because their parents went on offense instead of being the safe place. 

☞ Coach’s Insights: This is true across the board in parent-teen relationship dynamics. Teens always feel safer and communication is much more productive when shame, blame, and reactionary punishments are all eliminated. I’ve written extensively on this and will share some related posts in the resource section below. 

If you're seeing warning signs, I wrote a comprehensive guide on recognizing addiction and getting help - Read More > 

Further Reading and Resources

Talking about substance use is just one part of building the trust and communication your teen needs. These posts can help you create that foundation:

• [Protecting Your Teen: A Parent's Guide to Peer Pressure, Addiction, and Recovery] - If you're seeing warning signs or need to understand addiction in depth, this comprehensive guide covers recognition, intervention, and recovery.
• [Why Your Teen Lies to You (And How to Rebuild Trust)] - When teens don't feel safe being honest, they lie. This explores how to create the kind of relationship where truth feels safer than deception.
• [My Teen Ignores Everything I Say: How to Get Through] - If your teen shuts down when you try to talk about important topics, this shows you how to communicate in ways they'll actually hear.

If you're looking for guidance on building the collaborative communication that makes these difficult conversations possible, I created a free mini e-book: The 3 Pillars to Rebuild Trust and Communication with Your Teen. It includes frameworks for creating the kind of relationship where your teen comes to you - not away from you - when they're facing pressure. You can download it here.

Thank you for showing up for your teen. Until next time.