Up until recently, you’ve always been able to trust your teen without much second thought. You’ve gotten by quite well taking them for their word. That's now changed. Recently you caught them in a lie, and it has you questioning not only where this is coming from, but how long this has been going on. 

As a teen mentor and parent coach, I’ve been on the front lines with families dealing with all kinds of struggles. Lying is quite common when accompanied by certain pressures. Understanding these pressures will help you shine light on your own situation, understand your teen’s motives, and ultimately rebuild trust.

The Pressure of Shame

A commonality in cases of lying that we’ll keep coming back to is the idea that teens (and most people to be fair) tend to follow the path of least perceived pain. Adolescents and teens might occasionally “try out” lying in the heat of a high-pressure moment, and if lying in those situations ends up saving them from some form of discomfort, trouble, or punishment, the likelihood they’ll try it again is much greater.

Shame is a horrible feeling, and if your teen holds you in especially high regard and cares how you feel about them they might risk lying as a less defeating alternative than admitting to you they messed up. And despite what they might say, nearly all teens do care. If the family dynamic doesn’t leave your teen feeling understood, cared for, and redeemable, then the chances they will lie to avoid feeling shame are high.

Coach’s insights:  The key here is to make sure you aren’t reinforcing shame. In family systems, this is usually done by attacking your teen’s character or innate aspects of them:

“You’re a liar” -name-calling and labeling. “

Why can’t you be more like your sister?” -damaging/demeaning comparative statement. 

*Avoid these at all costs. 

The Pressure of Punishment

Parents with stricter rules and boundaries may find that their teen will lie in an effort to skirt punishment. This is one of many reasons why I believe in collaborative boundaries, because if your teen has even a partial say in what consequences will come from certain actions, they’ll have more buy-in and won't feel arbitrarily controlled.

On the other end of the spectrum, parents who create punishments in the heat of the moment and in anger, will not only set more unreasonable punishments, but deny their teens the chance to make smarter decisions: 

↪ “I know ahead of time that If I do X, then I'll have X consequence. I already agreed to it with my parents.” 

Vs.

 ↪ “I know they’ll probably flip out if they find out, but whatever… I'll take a risk. They aren’t fair to me anyway.”

Coach’s Insights:  The irony here is that lying results in one of the most severe punishments, the long term degradation of other’s trust in them. This can ruin future relationships for them in the long run, and they’ll miss out on many positive opportunities as a result. 

The consequences of lying must be shown to them explicitly and intently so that they don’t make these damaging mistakes later in life, when few people will be willing to give them a pass. Have honest conversations about trust, show them how lying affects relationships they care about, connect it to their future.

How to Rebuild Trust (The Collaborative Approach)

How you handle lying as a parent can have powerful ramifications. Let’s address this in chronological order, from the time you catch them in a lie to foundational frameworks for the future.

The first and most important piece is that if you want your teen to tell the truth, honesty needs to feel like it matters. For instance, when your teen comes up to you sheepishly and admits they messed up, if you respond by saying:

✗ “Great, thanks for telling me. Your consequence will be the same as if I'd caught you lying about it.” 

Then you’ve effectively taken a gift-wrapped golden parenting opportunity and squandered it.

However, if you’d have said: 

✔ “We value honesty and courage very highly in this household. While you’ll still receive fair consequences for your actions, I’ll take off X amount because of your maturity and conscience.” 

You’ll not only build respect, rapport, and trust with your teen, you’ll prove to them that telling the truth is objectively better than lying. 

Now, If you’ve caught them lying, try your best to remain understanding and empathic. Don’t fly into an angry interrogation, but calmly address the lie, and ask them something like: 

➯ "Hey, I found out you weren't truthful about [specific thing]. I'm not going to blow up at you - I want to understand what made lying feel like your best option. Can we talk about what's going on? There will be a fair consequence, but I need to know what made honesty feel like the worse option here."

They’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness, and this will set you up in great positioning to rebuild trust and create healthy systems moving forward. 

Once you've had that initial conversation and understood what drove the lie, it's time to prevent future lying by creating clear, collaborative boundaries. Involve them in the process, and thoroughly understand the repercussions and consequences. Take some time to sit down with your teen, have the talk about lying, why you take it so seriously, and that they’re there to help determine fair consequences.

➯ “We value honesty above all, so whenever you make mistakes, because we all do, you’ll be rewarded for being forthright and truthful. And when you do lie, here's what the consequence will be. Sound fair?” 

If you’d like more detailed scripts and insights into collaborative frameworks, my free e-book will be linked below. 

Further Reading and Resources

Rebuilding trust with your teen requires addressing the underlying patterns that made lying feel necessary. These posts can help you create the kind of relationship where honesty feels safe:

• [How to Stop Enabling Your Struggling Teen (Without Being Cruel)] - If you've been inconsistent with consequences, this explores how to hold boundaries that rebuild respect and trust.
• [My Teen Ignores Everything I Say: How to Get Through] - When communication has broken down, lying often follows. This shows you how to create collaborative dialogue that reduces resistance.
• [The Hidden Cost of Strict Parenting: Why Teens Either Rebel or Disappear] - If punishment pressure is driving your teen to lie, this explores why authoritarian approaches backfire and what to do instead.

If you're looking for detailed scripts and frameworks for building collaborative boundaries that reduce lying and rebuild trust, I created a free mini e-book: The 3 Pillars to Rebuild Trust and Communication with Your Teen. It walks you through exactly how to create the kind of relationship where your teen chooses honesty. You can download it here.

Thank you for showing up for your teen. Until next time.