I've noticed something in my work with families: parents often struggle not because they don't care, but because they're using tools that were never effective to begin with.

Our identity is tied to the roles we play. Husband, wife, caring friend, son, daughter, parent – These roles all weave themselves into the tapestry of our lives. The parent role usually takes center stage, and when parenting a teen who’s struggling that identity can feel all-consuming. 

Parents feel immense responsibility for their teens, and rightly so. However, when your teen is dealing with some serious turmoil, the responsibility can feel more like a shrinking cage:  

“Why are they in this crisis?” “Why aren’t I able to fix this?” “Am I a good parent?” 

The 4 patterns at a glance—scroll down for the full story on each one, including exactly why we fall into these traps and how to break free.

Breaking Harmful Patterns: What to Do Instead

Many parents I work with are doing their absolute best - and still struggling. Often because they're parenting with tools they inherited from their own childhood. Tools that weren't great to begin with.

Recognizing that you're repeating patterns from your own upbringing can be painful. But awareness is the first step. Your teen needs consistency and encouragement to make real progress - and that starts with identifying what's getting in the way.

Here are the most common harmful patterns I see, and what to do instead:

Anger as a Reaction to Teen Missteps: Raising your voice, yelling, spur-of-the-moment consequences/punishments.

• Why we do It: Parents often replicate how they were parented - if your parents yelled when you messed up, that's your default template under stress.
• The Cost: Damages trust and safety. Some teens will shrink away (loss of connection), and others will become more oppositional (increase resistance)
• What to do Instead: Pause and regulate yourself before responding. When your teen messes up, take a breath and remind yourself: their mistake is about their developing brain and learning process, not a personal attack on you. Respond from a place of calm curiosity rather than reactive anger. Your regulation models the emotional control you want them to develop, and it keeps you connected even in difficult moments.

Shaming and Comparison: "Why can't you be more like your brother?" "What's wrong with you?" "You're being ridiculous."

• Why we do it: Our parents used shame to motivate us, so it's our default when we're frustrated. We think if we make them feel bad enough about their behavior, they'll want to change. But shame doesn't inspire growth - it makes teens feel fundamentally broken.
• The Cost: Shame destroys self-worth and locks your teen into the "problem child" identity. It reinforces the belief that they ARE bad, not that they made a bad choice. 
• What to do instead: Separate behavior from identity. "That choice didn't work" instead of "what's wrong with you?" Address what they did, not who they are. If and when you mess up and say something shaming, repair it: "I said something hurtful. That wasn't fair. You're not the problem - we're working through this together."

Ultimatums and threats: "One more time and you're done." "If this happens again, we're sending you away."

• Why we do it: When you're burnt out and feel powerless, ultimatums shift the weight off you and onto your teen. It becomes their responsibility to fix themselves or face the consequences. But struggling teens need more support, not more pressure.
• The Cost: Your teen either walks on eggshells or calls your bluff. Either way, trust is gone. They stop coming to you when they mess up because they're scared you'll follow through on the threat. Connection breaks.
• What to do instead: If you don't know what to do, just say it: "I don't know how to fix this, but I'm not giving up on you. Let's figure it out together." Get help if you need it - therapist, mentor, etc. But stay in it with them.

Withdrawing emotional support: Giving them the silent treatment, checking out when they disappoint you, pulling back affection during hard times. "I gave up on them this week."

• Why we do it: When you're exhausted and your teen keeps struggling despite your efforts, withdrawing feels like self-preservation. “If caring this much hurts, maybe caring less will protect me.” It's also punishment - withholding your presence to show them how much they've let you down.
• The Cost: This might be the most damaging pattern on this list. Withdrawal tells your teen they're only worth your love when they're doing well. It confirms their worst fear: "I'm too much. I'm not worth sticking around for." Research shows emotional neglect causes deeper harm than anger - at least anger shows you're invested. Absence says they don't matter.
•  What to do instead: Stay present, especially when it's hard. Your teen needs you most when they're struggling, not when they're thriving. If you're burnt out, that's real - but communicate it: "I'm exhausted and I need help figuring this out, but I'm not leaving." I recently wrote an article all about parent burnout, and how parents can heal – which you can read here. 

Rising to the Challenge

Parenting a struggling teen often brings up unhealed parts of yourself - old wounds, patterns you thought you'd left behind, fears you didn't know you carried. That's hard work. If you're noticing these patterns in yourself and feel stuck, working with a professional can help. Whether that's a teen mentor and parent coach like me, or for deeper trauma, a licensed therapist - getting support isn't weakness, it's wisdom.

Parenting a struggling teen can feel like a massive burden. But the challenges that matter most in our lives call on us to go deeper - to step into a more centered, empathetic, and wise version of ourselves. 

Your teen needs that version of you. And truthfully, You need that version of you. 

More Helpful Resources:

If you’d like more guidance on reconnecting with your teen, I have a free mini E-book which you can download here: 

I’m also developing a 12-week course teaching all the strategies I’ve developed from years mentoring troubled teens and working with their families. If you'd like to be notified when it launches, you can sign up for updates here.

Thank you for your dedication to yourself, and to your family. Until next time.