“Ok, why are they looking at me like that? Did I say something wrong a moment ago? Did I upset them? Maybe they don’t actually like me. Wait, is there something on my face!?” 

This might seem like a hyper-panicked internal monologue, but it’s exactly the kind of conversation a socially anxious teen might be having with themselves during a social encounter. This is because in the anxious teen brain, a lot of fundamental questions are incessantly being asked. The most prevalent and profound of these: “Am I accepted and liked?” 

Their brains are clamoring for proof of this, and on the lookout for anything that might point to the contrary. This can lead to hyper vigilance of social cues and excessive social monitoring, such as in the instance above. Any subtle cues are monitored and dissected, which not only pulls them out of being present and heavily disrupts social connection, but can also lead to self isolating.

This can be devastating–But there’s hope.

The Antidote to Social Anxiety: Fostering Self Confidence

Imagine the most confident teen you can. The “I’m right to feel this good about myself, look at my track record.” kind that you can’t fake. Now imagine them with crippling social anxiety. If you’re struggling to picture it, it’s likely because these traits struggle to coexist. Self confidence trusts in belonging, social anxiety anticipates rejection.

Physiologically, they're opposites. Confidence lives in the parasympathetic nervous system - calm, secure, centered. Social anxiety triggers the sympathetic system - fight, flight, freeze. It's like trying to run two different operating systems at once - physiologically confusing and exhausting.

So if self confidence is the real antidote, how do we help our teens build it? It comes down to two things working together:

The 2-Part Solution - Part 1 : Confidence

One teen I mentored was struggling with social anxiety due to the repercussions of Covid lockdowns. His particular grade had just begun high school when the pandemic hit in full force. During lockdowns, his anxiety intensified and social anxiety emerged. 

When we started working together, my plan was to help him build up his self confidence through competence. A great place to start is just getting to know your teen’s interests and passions, and encouraging them to dive into these fully. In this case, he was interested in working out and gaining muscle, so I put together a plan and we got to work. 

While not every teen needs to focus on physicality to gain confidence, it's a wonderful option because when done correctly, it offers many controlled doses of “I don’t know if I can do this… this is uncomfortable” followed by “No way… I can’t believe I just did that!” which can rapidly accelerate perceived competence. Other interests that can build confidence in teens are things like music, art, acting, academics, sports, etc. Anything they enjoy with built-in challenge and reward.

Through their continued engagement in these interests, they’ll begin to carve out a positive identity: “I’m the person who can do this cool thing. I have this cool skill.” Here's what's powerful about building competence: confidence transfers. When teens prove to themselves they can master one thing, they start believing they can handle new challenges too.

Part 2: Healthy Social Exposure

But building competence alone wasn't enough. He also needed safe social exposure - practice being himself around someone without the high stakes of peer judgment. That's where our training sessions became crucial. We'd talk while he worked out - about life, school, things he was into. Low-pressure conversation with someone he saw as "cool" but who wasn't a peer. This kind of graduated exposure matters: talking to a mentor or trusted adult first, then small group settings with shared interests, then broader social situations.

While your teen works towards building competence, it's also important that they build up safe, healthy connections with peers. Certain domains of competence building can be great for this: An art class creating alongside other teens, a team sport involving support and connection, learning an instrument and starting a band, or joining a school club about an interest they have can all be life-changing for a teen.

These activities are ideal because they work on both parts of the solution at the same time (exposure and competence) while reducing perceived social friction for your teen. It's much more natural for them to talk about something they already enjoy, and if another peer shares that same interest, it's all the easier to communicate.

A word of caution: even with shared interests and the right environment, social situations will still feel uncomfortable at first. Your teen might want to quit after the first session, or feel awkward and out of place initially. That's normal. The goal isn't to eliminate discomfort - it's to make it worth pushing through. When teens find even one or two peers who share their interests and accept them, that connection makes the discomfort tolerable. They'll keep showing up because the reward (belonging, friendship) outweighs the anxiety. You can really support your teen by encouraging consistency without forcing it, and celebrating each win along the way.

Good News: This Can Turn Around Fast

Throughout my years working with teens, I’ve come to find that social anxiety is quite prevalent. Many struggling teens already feel “different” compared to their peer group, and social anxiety can tag alongside other diagnoses. In particular, I’ve seen this come up a lot in neurodivergent teens, or like in the example I used earlier, it can also manifest from generalized anxiety.

The good news is that while it’s a common struggle in my work with teens, I’ve seen social anxiety diminish rapidly when the 2-part solution is in play. The confidence building portion can take some time, but when a teen has supportive adults around them and eventually connects with one or two healthy friends, the snowball effect is profound.

Taking Action: Where to Start

Social anxiety can feel overwhelming for both you and your teen, but remember: confidence builds through competence, and exposure works when it's gradual and safe. Start by exploring your teen's interests, facilitate opportunities for connection, and stay consistent even when progress feels slow.

Quick Recap:

• Social anxiety and self-confidence struggle to coexist - build one to diminish the other
• Confidence comes through competence: help your teen master something they care about
• Healthy exposure is graduated: trusted adults first, then shared-interest peer groups
• Discomfort is normal - the goal is making it worth pushing through
• With the right support and environment, this can turn around faster than you think

More Resources to Help Your Teen:

If you're looking for more guidance on rebuilding connection with your struggling teen, I've created a free mini e-book: The 3 Pillars to Rebuild Trust and Communication with Your Teen. You can download it here.

I also recently wrote an article on the 4 harmful parenting patterns that keep teens stuck - many of which can worsen social anxiety without parents realizing it. You can read that here.

Thank you for showing up for your teen. Until next time.