You're frustrated, even annoyed. Communication with your teen has completely broken down, and it's not for lack of trying. Your requests get 'forgotten' (or willfully ignored - you're not quite sure). Sometimes it feels like you're talking to a wall. It's clear this is heading nowhere good, so let's look at what's actually happening and how to fix it.

The Distraction Trap

The possibilities as to why this is happening are quite vast. It might have one main component, or a combination of multiple. I’ll focus on the most common reasons I see working with teens and their families, so that you can make the right connections and build a plan that works.

One common cause that leads to parents feeling ignored is distraction. When you communicate with your teen, you need their full attention.

For instance, if you say: “Hey, we have this event to go to this weekend. Be sure to be ready for it on Saturday at 6:00” while they are huddled over their smartphone watching Tiktoks, you’ll have much less effective retention.

Whereas if you ask them to put their phone away first so that you can talk about some important things, the likelihood they’ll remember and listen more attentively is significantly higher. 

✏ Coach’s Insights: Teens especially need some extra care and patience here, because they lack the impulse control of adults and sometimes struggle with distractions. If you need them to actually remember something important, I recommend that you do it at times when you are both least distracted. Example: At the dinner table instead of in the car.

The Power of Tone: From Lectures to Collaborative Encouragement

Another big reason parents feel ignored is their communication style. Teens are extra sensitive to tonality, and if they feel like every time their parent has something to say it’s a lecture, they’ll shut down. You won't get through to them, and worse, they'll start resenting you.

This is because teens need more and more autonomy as they age, and that new autonomous teen craves respect. It’s also why ineffective communication habits seem to work with young kids, but implode around the mid-late teen years. Young kids feel powerless if they are being lectured constantly. They just nod, and their parents are none-the-wiser for it, thinking that the communication is working fine.

Suddenly that child is now a teen, and they have the confidence to stand up for themselves. It feels like a new problem to the parents, but it was always there. It’s just that now, the dynamic has opened enough to reveal the flaws. 

✏ Coach’s Insights: With that heavy realization in full frame, let’s analyze real communication and look at the power of collaboration in real-time:

✘ Lecture tone (High Resistance):

 “What did I tell you?! This is why you should have listened to me in the first place. How are you going to get this right? This is what I want you to do, ok? Repeat it so I know you remember. Ok good.”

The above example contains aggression, imposed pressure, lack of emotional support, and dominance behavior. This might seem much harsher than how you communicate, but when parents are frustrated and years of poor communication have created resistance, this is quite common. It almost certainly will lead to teen resistance and pushback (And for good reason). 

✔ Collaborative Encouragement (Low/No Resistance):

 Smiling warmly. “Hey, looks like that didn’t work out the best, huh? What do you think we could have done differently?” Listens calmly and attentively. “Ok, so I’m hearing that…” Helps consolidate and reflect teen’s insights. “I like those ideas, here’s my insights. Let’s put together a plan with our ideas and work on this together, how’s that sound?”

One of these communication styles leads to resistance, resentment, and broken trust. The other leads to healthy collaborative communication, deep respect, and familial harmony. I used two extremes to really show the power of tone and language. Most parents fall somewhere in between - but even small shifts toward the collaborative end make huge differences.

Once you begin to work on this and see it play out in real time, you'll be shocked at the response in your teen. Meet them right where they’re at, and show up with compassion. 

*One final note: If you ask them to do something and there's never any follow-through when they don't, they learn your words don't matter. Collaborative boundaries only work if you actually hold them. More on that in my free guide below.

Further Reading and Resources

Getting your teen to actually listen requires more than just better communication - it often involves addressing deeper patterns. These posts can help: 

• [How to Stop Enabling Your Struggling Teen (Without Being Cruel)] - If your teen ignores you because there are never real consequences, this explores the follow-through piece that makes your words matter.

• [My Teen Won't Talk to Me Anymore: How to Rebuild Communication] - Sometimes teens ignore you because the relationship has broken down. This shows how to rebuild connection first.
• [My Teen is Defiant and Disrespectful: What's Really Happening] - When ignoring escalates into active defiance, this explores what's underneath and how to respond.

If you're looking for detailed guidance on collaborative communication and setting boundaries that your teen actually respects, I created a free mini e-book: The 3 Pillars to Rebuild Trust and Communication with Your Teen. It includes scripts and frameworks for the kind of communication that makes teens want to listen. You can download it here.

Thank you for showing up for your teen. Until next time.